Thursday, June 30, 2005

1 year ago...

Well, It has been a year ago yesterday that my wife's grandfather passed away. He was 76 years old, and had Alzheimer's pretty bad. He also had a diffibulator that would shock him any time his heart rate was irregular. He was shocked by it several times in about the 6 years he had it. He was going to have to undergo surgery so that they could go in and change the batteries in it, but the doctors didn't think he could handle being put under again.
It's hard to believe that it has been that long. He had been going down hill for a few years. It really wasn't a surprise to us, but that didn't make it any easier. I think the hardest thing for me was playing TAPS at his funeral. I didn't think it was going to be hard to do, until I started. I almost got choked up. I just thought of what a dishonor it would be (to me at least) to mess that up. I had only played it once before. I mean at a funeral. The whole family fell apart, when I started playing it, especially my wife.
After that, I would have to say it is hard when I see Casey, my 9 year old son, still thinking about Papa. You can tell by the look on his face that he is bothered by something. If you ask him what's wrong, he will shake his head and say "nothing". Within minutes he will ask a question or talk about a time when Papa was here. Camille doesn't take it all that well either. She has always been an emotional person, but anything about Papa makes her eyes water. What can you say? All I can do is listen. So, I guess that's what I'll do.
Another loss I experienced was my own Grandmother. Both of these happened at about the same time. The main difference was that I didn't get to see my Grandmother that often. In fact, I hadn't seen her in about 10 years. She lived in Panama, with the rest of my family on my mom's side. My mom was there when she passed away. I guess you could almost call that a blessing. My grandmother was 94 years old. I think she knew time was coming. And I feel that she was not going to give up until she could see her daughter one more time. That's the way I Look at it anyway. Some people may think that is silly, but oh well. Well, I guess I will close for now. Though they won't read this, I'm sure they know...Abuelita and Papa...We miss you both...
Comments:
Thanks for all of your kind words. Whatever you write on my comments are always in the back of my mind about how I shouldn't do everything that my friends do, and about how I should handle the whole Matt situation. I just have a hard time listening to myself. I can easily tell others what they should do, but for myself it's always different. I try and keep myself busy, but even when I'm busy doing something I'm thinking "I wish Matt was here with me while I do this". Richard, I only got to spend 5 days with him. Why does he make me feel this way and he's in Detroit just doing his own thing and not thinkin' of me? It drives me crazy, I still wake thinking of him and fall asleep thinking of him. I guess I was just really infatuated with him. He was someone that I have always pictured myself with...in a band, good looking, Lutheran, sweet, funny and all that other good stuff. Aaaaaaauuuuuuuu.

I'm really not ready to "settle down" and get married and all that jazz, I think I just want the comfort of knowing it's going to happen for me one day. I've never really been in a long relationship and I just keep thinking that it's not going to happen. But I do trust that God has a plan for me. But sometimes it's hard to just "Let Go and Let God". I want to be in control and that's not how it should be. Well, thanks for everything. Until next time...
 
I guess I've had this "person" in my mind since college...maybe, I don't know. Maybe I just thought him up when I found Matt, I don't know.
 
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